I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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