my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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