I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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