I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
