I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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