i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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