My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
