Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
i now understand why vodka
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
