If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
