Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
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