he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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