i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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