"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
