it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
