When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Randomize
