I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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