On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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