I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
