I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
