i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize