my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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