Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I could fuck to npr.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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