I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
