mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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