I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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