i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Someone came in the potted fern
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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