home. puking in laundry basket.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
