If i come over, it means nothing
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
