I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
