Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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