She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
