When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
