Need sex. Gaining weight.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I would ride that face into the sunset
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
