y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
