I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
In other news, I just burned my penis
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
