My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
