and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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