Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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