I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Those nachos came to me in a dream
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