I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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