p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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