dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
