The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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