my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
