How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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