i used baking grease as lip gloss
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
