genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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