of course. lets lasso hookers.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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