I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
