He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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