maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Randomize