My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
