I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
its liver damage thursday
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
