I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize