Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
