i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
