I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
