best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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