Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
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