I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'm getting married
To pizza
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
