do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
