I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
