I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
