Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
