Plan B is the new Plan A
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
