Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
